The Calls

Jacob Barnes cursed as his phone rang in the kitchen. Heaving up from his arm chair, he lumbered to the phone just in time. Answering it, he said “Hello?”

“Good afternoon sir, I’m with Hyper-GloboMeganet-” and Jacob hung up. 

It was those damned telemarketers again. They’d been calling for almost two days straight but he had to answer every one of them because he was expecting a call. And he was too cheap for caller ID, something he was now regretting. He stared at the phone for a solid five minutes before he gave up and decided he had to use the bathroom. Of course, he was just finishing up when the phone rang again. He sprinted out of the bathroom, trailing toilet paper as he reached the phone just in time. “Hello?” he growled at the handset. 

“Hi, it’s doctor Lamberth, I have your test results. It’s cancer.” 

Jacob stopped breathing for a few seconds when he remembered. “Hey wait a sec, I didn’t take any tests!” 

“Oh well. Say, while I have you on the line anyways, have you thought about leasing a time shar-” *click* Jacob slammed the phone back on the hook in anger. And then his cellphone rang. He picked it up, studied it for a moment and then answered it. “What?” he asked angrily.

“What do you mean ‘what’?” replied the voice.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else-”

“No worries man. Hey, while I’ve got you on the line, have you thought about-”

Jacob closed his phone and threw it across the room where it shattered.

And then started ringing again. But Jacob ignored it for the time being because his other phone was ringing loudly now. Furious, he picked it up and shouted into the receiver.


“Hi there. We’ve kidnapped your wife.” said a mysterious voice.

“You… you what? Wait, who is this?” he asked incredulously. 

“That’s not important right now. But if you don’t open a credit line with Globo-HyperMegaCredit RIGHT NOW, we are going to kill your wife. I will shoot your wife.”

“Uhh. I’m not sure if it’s legal for you to market like that…”

“Oh sir, I’m very serious here. We have your wife. Just give me your credit card number and I’ll let her go.”

“Prove to me that you have her and that she’s alive.”

“Very well, let me put her on.” He waited. And waited and waited. Then the voice came back.

“I’m sorry sir, you seem to have called our bluff. But while I have you on the line, can I interest you in a-”



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