Tag Archive | music

This is not about Kurt Cobain (but it can be if you’d like)


Once, an angel accidentally fell out of heaven and landed on the Earth. As anyone who’s ever tried can tell you, it’s very hard to get to heaven from the Earth, so for the time being, the angel decided to try to blend in. It saw this as an opportunity to study up-close the creatures that it had loved so much from afar.

Unfortunately, it soon found that humans were best loved from a distance. To an eternal being, it is easy to wave aside the slaughter of millions of unimportant mortals and focus on the incredible creations of beauty from the few, as well as the impressive achievements of the race as a whole. Up-close, however, their pettiness, close-mindedness and selfishness was disgusting to a creature made of pure love.

Doubly unfortunately, the angel soon found that as distanced as it was  from the source of all life, it needed to find its energy elsewhere, namely in food. Having never attended university, or indeed any school at all, the angel had no marketable skills, and its physical form was much too frail for manual labor. It did, however, have one remarkable talent. It could sing songs the likes of which the human mind could barely conceive. Up until recently, the angel had lived in the midst of the divine, and could, with its voice, conjure scenes of such sweetness and light that even the most cynical couldn’t help but listen.

Every time it sang, however, it grew more and more depressed, as it reminded itself of the beauty it would never experience again. It tried to cope with its depression in the same way humans do. It tried drugs (both pharmaceutical and otherwise), sex, TV, even religion. Nothing could soothe the soul of the poor creature. Although great damage had already been done, it adopted the human phrase “better late than never,” and quit singing to become a dishwasher. People who had heard it sing tracked it down and begged it to come back.

“You must sing for us!” they shouted, “Your gift is too good not to share! Your songs lift us up and bring us visions of a greater world than this one! Your songs make everyone better for having heard them!”

Although jaded, its love for humanity was still too great to refuse their demands, especially with the knowledge that its songs were making them better. The years went on and the angel’s light darkened, until eventually one day, it didn’t appear to sing at its appointed time. They found it in its bedroom, a bullet hole in its head and a gun in its hand.

And the people wept. Not for the angel, of course, but for themselves because now they wouldn’t be able to hear its songs.

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Fishsticks (18+)


This story is not appropriate for children because of the massive amounts of gratuitous hot nasty narcissism contained within. If you’re under 18 please leave this page and go poop in your diaper.

Kanye West ran his fingers across Kanye West’s chin, feeling his rough but perfect stubble. Hundreds of nubile servant girls waited outside in the hallways of Kanye’s palace, but to Kanye, Kanye was the only the person that mattered.

He bashfully reached out his fingers, brushing them softly against the downy feathers of Kanye’s wings. Kanye shuddered at the ecstasy imparted by the touch. It was forbidden for anyone to touch the wings of an angel such as he, and now he understood why. Overcome by pleasure, however, he didn’t care.

“I’m gonna fuck you like a pharaoh,” he breathed, “I’m gonna put your pussy in a sarcophagus.”

Kanye West was the voice of this generation, and that voice was sweet as honey to Kanye West’s ears. He reached down and unbuckled Kanye’s belt. As he slid Kanye’s pants down his legs, his eyes widened and he gasped in shock.

“No one man should have all that POW-ah,” he swore softly to himself.

Kanye took his hand and stared deeply into his eyes.

“Tonight,” he said, “I’ma let you finish.”

Not How I Remember It (Part 3)


(If you haven’t read it, part one is here, and part two is here. For best effect, listen to the songs while reading the lyrics. You might get confused about which is the “real” version…)

I’ve had some requests as to the exact contents of the songs off the Beatles album. I’ll put up what I can remember, but I took the CD back to the store so I don’t have the lyric sheet anymore. I’m leaving off “Orange Submarine” and “All You Need is Blood” because the only changes to those songs are obvious in the title. I’m also leaving off “I Am the Walrus” because even though I remember every single word (how could I forget?), nobody ever needs to know what that one says.

Anyway…

There Goes the Sun
There goes the sun, there goes the sun,
and I say it’s all right

Little darling, it’s been a long hot lonely summer
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here
There goes the sun, there goes the sun
and I say it’s all right

Little darling, the frowns returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here
There goes the sun, there goes the sun
and I say it’s all right

Sun, sun, sun, there it goes…
Sun, sun, sun, there it goes…
Sun, sun, sun, there it goes…
Sun, sun, sun, there it goe…
Sun, sun, sun, there it goes…

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly freezing
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been clear
There goes the sun, there goes the sun,
and I say it’s all right
It’s all right

(Don’t) Think For Yourself
I’ve got a word or two
To say about the things that you do
You’re telling all those lies
About the good things that we can have
If we close our eyes

Do what I want you to do
We’ll go where we’re going to
Don’t think for yourself
‘Cause I will be there for you

I left you far behind
The ruins of the life that you had in mind
And though you still can see
I know your mind’s made up
You’re gonna cause more misery

Do what I want you to do
We’ll go where we’re going to
Don’t think for yourself
‘Cause I will be there for you

Although your mind’s opaque
Try thinking less just for both our sakes
The future could be good
And you’ve got time to rectify
All the things that you should

Do what I want you to do
We’ll go where we’re going to
Don’t think for yourself
‘Cause I will be there for you

Do what I want you to do
We’ll go where we’re going to
Don’t think for yourself
‘Cause I will be there for you
Don’t think for yourself
‘Cause I will think for you

Penny Lane
Penny Lane there is a butcher showing photographs
Of every head he’s had the pleasure to have known
And all the people that come and go
Stop and say hello

On the corner is a banker with a motorcar
The little children laugh at him behind his back
But banker never learned how to laugh
And it’s pouring rain…
Very strange

Penny Lane is in my dreams and in your cries
There beneath the black and choking skies
I sit, and meanwhile back

In Penny Lane there’s a prison guard with a billyclub
And in his pocket is a portrait of the Queen.
He likes to keep the prison clean
Running like a machine

Penny Lane is in my dreams and in your cries
Fingers n’ fish baked into pies
In summer, meanwhile back

Behind the shelter in the middle of a roundabout
An ugly girl is selling puppies from a tray
And though she feels as if she’s in a play
She dies today

Penny Lane the butcher serves another customer
We see the banker sitting waiting for a trim
Then the prison guard rushes in
From the pouring rain…
Very strange

Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes
There beneath the black and choking skies
I sit, and meanwhile back
Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes
There beneath the black and choking skies…
Penny Lane.

Sexy Sadie
Sexy Sadie what have you done
You made a meal of everyone
You made a meal of everyone
Sexy Sadie ooh what have you done.

Sexy Sadie you broke the rules
You mixed us up for you to eat
You mixed us up for you to eat
Sexy Sadie oooh you broke the rules.

One sunny day the world was waiting for another
She came along to burn up everyone
Sexy Sadie the greatest of them all.

Sexy Sadie how did you know
The world was waiting just for you
The world was waiting just for you
Sexy Sadie oooh how did you know.

Sexy Sadie you’ll get yours yet
However big you think you are
However big you think you are
Sexy Sadie oooh you’ll get yours yet.

We gave her everything we owned now we serve at her table
As she smiles and eats up everyone
Sexy Sadie she’s the latest and the greatest of them all.

She made a meal of everyone
Sexy Sadie.

However big you think you are
Sexy Sadie.

Not How I Remember It


Today I was over in a section of town I don’t normally visit, and I was surprised to see a Media Play there. I’d thought they’d all closed down! This one seemed perfectly fine though, the lights were all lit, the shelves were stocked, and there were plenty of customers mulling around. While there I noticed a new “Beatles Ultimate Collection” that had just come out, and since my collection of Beatles music is embarrassingly lacking I decided to pick it up.

There was something weird about the songs though. They were all a little…off. The music was right, but the lyrics were all different. “Yellow Submarine” was “Orange Submarine,” “Here Comes the Sun” was “There Goes the Sun” and “Think For Yourself” had become “(Don’t) Think For Yourself.”

I checked the box, trying to make sure this wasn’t some sort of weird cover band or something. But no, for the most part it said “Songs written by Lennon/McCarthy,” with the usual exceptions of course.

About this time it started getting bad. Instead of the friendly fireman and barber on “Penny Lane” they were singing about the violent prison guard and sadistic butcher. Next, John Lennon advised me that “All you need is blood. Blood is all you need.” “She Came in Through the Bathroom Window” was, of course, suitably disturbing, but the worst of all was “I am the Walrus.” This time around, it made sense. And trust me, it’s better if you don’t know what the words mean.

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