(Author’s Note: I have to give credit to my friend Emmett for this too, because this is based on a conversation we had.)
Terminator: Salvation was a pretty cool movie, but I think it would have been a lot better if John Connor didn’t know that Kyle Reese was his father. Mainly because they could have included this scene:
After destroying one of Skynet’s major factories, JOHN CONNOR and a group of soldiers — including KYLE REESE — are celebrating by getting completely wasted. While babbling about being the chosen one and gesturing furiously, John accidentally drops a picture of his mother on the table. A soldier picks it up.
Soldier: Hey, who’s this?
John: Nothing, that’s no one, give it back.
Soldier: She’s kinda hot, dude. Do we need to tell your girlfriend about this?
John: That’s my mom, you assholes, now give it back.
Soldier: Whoa! That’s your mom? Lucky!
Kyle Reese takes the picture and looks at it for a long while. He then looks up at John with all seriousness.
Kyle: I’m gonna fuck your mom, John.
John: Dude, shut up.
Kyle: No, seriously.
John: She’s been dead for more than 10 years, dickhead.
Kyle: No man, you know that time machine we found in Skynet’s lab? I’m totally gonna use that to go back in time and bone your mom.
John: Seriously. Shut up.
Kyle: I’m gonna go back in time and you know what I’m gonna say to her?
John: Oh God no. Kyle, don’t say it.
Kyle: “Cum with me if you want to live.”
Bear Grylls looked up from his meal. “Did you hear that?” he asked.
“Well gee Bear I dunno,” said Tim, “What’d it sound like?”
“This is why I’m famous and you’re only the cameraman, Tim,” said Bear. “It sounded almost like…a small bell.”
“There was a bell on the door of the restaurant,” said the doctor.
“I bet it was the bell on the door of the restaurant,” said Bear, “Let’s check it out.”
The trio crept to the door of the kitchen and peeked out into the dining room. There, they were horrified to see several zombies sitting at the tables, pounding their silverware and loudly demanding their meals.
“Gee Bear, that’s a lot of zombies dontchaknow,” whispered Tim.
“Now look,” Bear said, pulling back into the kitchen “Things look pretty bad right now, but I didn’t get to be the most famous survivalist in the world by giving up when things look bad. I’ve got a plan.”
“Hello!” the three shouted as they glided out of the kitchen wearing the clothes that used to belong to the waiters of Luigi’s. Each of them held a covered silver platter in their hand and they approached the nearest table. The zombies looked up at them and grinned.
“Tonight, for your first course,” said the doctor.
“We’re just so proud to present to you,” said Tim.
“Your death! Um…second death!” shouted Bear, as the three whipped the cover off of the platters to reveal meat cleavers and other various knives.
In the aftermath of the bloody battle, the three sat on the floor exhausted.
“Where’d you learn to be so good with a knife?” Bear asked the surgeon.
All of a sudden, three police officers kicked down the door.
“Freeze!” they shouted, “We’re shutting this place down for not paying your rent!”
“There’s a zombie plague infesting the city and you’re worried about rent?” asked the doctor, amazed.
“You have the right to remain silent, so shut up!”
“Make sure you get this on camera,” Bear whispered to Tim. “Confrontations with armed maniacs always bring the ratings up.”
Bear stood slowly, holding his hands in front of him in a gesture of peace. “Officers, there’s been a mistake,” he said, as he grabbed for the nearest one’s gun. Unfortunately, another one of the officers noticed this and smacked him in the face with a shotgun, shattering his skull. Bear Grylls collapsed, dead.
(Just joining us? Go back to the beginning of the story.)
Bear, Tim and the doctor made it to Luigi’s fairly uneventfully. Walking into the restaurant, however they were assaulted…by a delicious smell!
“Well gee Bear, that smells great!” Tim said, licking his lips.
“Right, yes, I think we’ve hit the motherload here,” Bear said, beckoning for the camera. “Apparently when the zombie attack hit, the chefs in this restaurant fled, leaving a delicious meal behind for any survivors.”
They walked into the kitchen and soon found the oven that was producing the smells. Opening the oven, they found their worst fears realized…inside was a human body!
“How nice of you to join us for dinner,” groaned a seductive voice. Turning around, they saw a zombie leaning provocatively against the door frame, blocking the exit. “Maybe afterwards, we could go to my place for a bit. Or a bite.” The zombie laughed pervertedly.
The three heroes looked at each other, then grabbed the knives off the counter. The zombie was soon dispatched.
Bear motioned for Tim to begin filming him. “Sometimes,” he said, “When you’re in the wilderness and starving to death, you don’t have a lot of choice. Sometimes you have to eat things you never thought you’d eat…”
(Just joining us? Go back to the beginning of the story.)
Three weeks later, Bear Grylls and his midwestern cameraman, Tim, were in a helicopter flying over Dubai, en route to their most dangerous mission yet.
“Are you sure about this?” the pilot asked, “The city’s probably under quarantine for a reason.”
“Of course!” shouted Bear, “Think about it, I’ve covered everything! This is the perfect opportunity. Nobody’s ever done a survival guide for a zombie attack. Once I show people how to beat off zombies (and I may or may not mean that in the most sexual way possible) I’ll have taught the world how to survive anything.”
“Well gee Bear,” said Tim, “That’s pretty amazing. Once I cut out that gay part that’ll make a pretty good opener. But still, before you’ve just survived the wilderness, dontchaknow, slavering murderous zombies are different!”
“I was in the Navy!” shouted Bear, and that settles that.
“OK,” the pilot said, “I’m gonna touch down on top of that hospital over there. I’m not hanging around here, though. Give me a call on the satellite phone when you need me to pick you up.”
Bear and Tim stood on top of the hospital, looking around to get their bearings.
“Alright,” Bear said into the camera, “First things first you’re going to want to find some food.”
“Since we’re in the city, can’t we just go to a restaurant?” asked Tim.
“Since we’re in the city,” Bear Grylls told the camera, “It’d probably be easiest just to find a restaurant.”
Tim looked over the side of the building and spotted a relatively unharmed place called Luigi’s Bistro over in the distance.
“We’re going to head over to that little place, Luigi’s Bistro, you see over there,” said Bear, showing the camera.
They headed down inside the hospital. There was nothing but silence and darkness as they walked along the corridors, until they came across three zombies smacking a door. The zombies turned and looked at them, then began shuffling towards them.
“As you can see,” Bear said, “During a zombie apocalypse, people can get a little confused. These men over here, for instance, seem to be advancing on us with murderous intent. Luckily, they’re weak from hunger and injury so they’re moving slowly.”
“Uh, Bear?” Tim piped up, “They’re running!”
“Shit!” Bear said, “Nobody told me they’d be so fucking fast! I was expecting the slow kind!” He turns around and starts hacking at the zombies with his knife.
“The important thing to remember about a zombie,” he said, “is that you have to remove the head or destroy the brain. Otherwise they might not really be dead.”
“Try going through the eyes,” advised Tim.
“Stabbing a zombie in the eyes is an effective way to destroy their brain,” Bear said, demonstrating.
After the zombies were dispatched, Bear turned towards the door.
“Hello? Are the zombies gone?” called a voice from behind the door.
“Ah, listen to this,” Bear said to the camera, “These zombies are very different from your garden variety. Not only are they quick instead of slow, they can talk as well!” He turned back to the door. “Yes, come on out.”
Out came a bloody surgeon, wild-eyed and fearful.
“Thank God,” he said, “I’ve been trapped in there for a whole day!”
Bear stuck his knife right up against the man’s throat.
“Alright, hold it right there,” he said, “How do I know you’re not a zombie?”
“Are you daft?” asked the doctor, “How about the fact I’m talking to you?”
“Maybe,” Bear said, “But I’ve already been surprised by your comrades’ speed. It wouldn’t surprise me if you could talk too. You smell like a zombie, anyway.”
“Bear,” whispered Tim, “If he was a zombie he’d be trying to tear your organs out, dontchaknow.”
“Good point,” said Bear, putting the knife away, “I guess two out of three means he’s cool. I’m Bear Grylls. I’d shake your hand, but if I did, I’d probably destroy your entire body.”
“That’s OK,” said the doctor, “I’d rather not have you touching me anyway.”
Dorothy stepped out of the house and looked around in amazement. The twister had dropped her in the strangest land she’d ever seen. Everything was bright and colorful. The houses, the candy apparently growing from the ground, even the road was bright yellow. She noticed a few strange, very short people looking at her and smiled at them in what she hoped was a disarming way.
“You killed her,” one of them whispered.
“You killed her!” he repeated, “You killed the Wicked Witch of the East! The horrible woman who enslaved us and mistreated us! She took all the food we grew, took our children and turned them into hideous misshapen flying monsters, kicked our dogs…but now she’s dead!”
“Oh,” said Dorothy, “Well it was an accident, but I suppose…”
“Murderer!” the man shouted.
“What?” Dorothy said, taken aback.
“Murderer!” he repeated, pointing at her accusingly.
“But I thought you hated the witch, I thought you were glad to see her dead!”
“Don’t get me wrong,” the man explained, “The witch was horrible and we are glad to see her dead. But killing someone is a crime, no matter what a monster that person was.”
“OK,” said Dorothy, “this is ridiculous. I’m just going to take her ruby slippers and get out of here.”
“Oh God,” groaned the man, “Now you’re defiling the dead? Police, help!”
Officer Munchkin was on the scene right away and he took the young murderer to jail where she lived out the rest of her days.
Remember kids, crime doesn’t pay.